Once more, the ever-present resolution to be healthier rears its head and is attempting to push me onwards through the year. So naturally I have, in my actual want to improve my health and drop some pounds. Today marks the first day I went to the gym in a long time. I would be lying if it hasn't given rise to the same old anxieties that has prevented me from going before.
The first is fairly obvious. Britain is still woefully incapable of handling any strain of COVID-19 and honestly I cannot see them ever improving so naturally I'm doing as much as I can to stay safe but I do not have the ability to do the workouts necessary at home. But it is an ever-present concern seeing as I don't really trust anyone to be taking the same precautions.
The second... feels fairly obvious but may not be so as it is still to do with other people. They're intimidating. I know for fact I am not the only who sees people in the gym - almost always men - who are big, bulky and slamming weights down, grunting like they are personally trying to shove Sisyphus' boulder up the hill and frankly making parts of the gym... inaccessible. I don't want to be stood near them while trying to work out. I feel judged for being new a lot of the time so I stick to what I know: treadmill, rowing machine and, if one is available, a heavy punching bag.
The second... feels fairly obvious but may not be so as it is still to do with other people. They're intimidating. I know for fact I am not the only who sees people in the gym - almost always men - who are big, bulky and slamming weights down, grunting like they are personally trying to shove Sisyphus' boulder up the hill and frankly making parts of the gym... inaccessible. I don't want to be stood near them while trying to work out. I feel judged for being new a lot of the time so I stick to what I know: treadmill, rowing machine and, if one is available, a heavy punching bag.
The third is a great deal more personal. I have had issues with my legs - in particular, my right knee - for years. It hampered my session at the gym tonight and, due to the issues of the pandemic, getting help for it is not currently viable. I'm on the hunt for a good knee brace but I understand that they need to be fitted to actually be helpful. But in the meantime, while I hunt around for somewhere to get it fitted, I'm going to have to be very careful and I'm probably overly wary of causing further injury.
And the last one... body image. I know, logically, that is what I am trying to fix. But that doesn't stop me glancing in the mirrors - which feel like they are everywhere - and feeling repulsed or disgusted by the state I've let myself get into. Which I don't have the mental tools to properly deal with currently. My response to it is still to run and hide, rather than use that as fuel to push onwards... no doubt, I will eventually hit that turning point but at the moment... it's tough to feel good about anything.
But I still went. I stayed until my body said "enough". I felt... not good but not unfulfilled either. I have a proper induction tomorrow, along with a chance to book a PT and I've booked a class that revolves around martial arts. I also have someone who is going to help me with meal plans and workout regimes that I can use whilst I'm there. And for that I am very grateful.
Until next time, I hope this year is treating you all well.
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